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Hilarious Short Quotes
for Exhausted Parents

The perfect antidote for stressed new parents? Hilarious short quotes!

Being the parent of a new baby can quickly sap your strength and keep you wandering aimlessly in a land of not-enough-sleep.

Happy parents are good parents.

Take a healthy dose of these funny parenting quotes and get smiling again.

When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. ~ Anonymous

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. ~ Mark Twain

A baby is an angel whose wings decrease while his legs increase. ~ Anonymous

A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. ~ Ronald Knox

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. ~ Dave Barry

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one. ~ Leo J. Burke

Every new baby is a blind desperate vote for survival: people who find themselves unable to register an effective political protest against extermination do so by a biological act. ~ Lewis Mumford, American Social Phiosopher

The old Irish, when immersing a babe at baptism, left out the right arm so that it would remain pagan for good fighting. ~ Anonymous

Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income. ~ Dave Barry

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Funny Parenting Quotes

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food. ~ Robert Orben

A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops. ~ Maurice Johnston

Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it. ~ Marshall McLuhan

No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant. ~ Amy Leslie

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. ~ Fran Lebowitz

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Hilarious Mom Quotes

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing. ~ Kin Hubbard

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? ~ Milton Berle

My mom used to say it doesn't matter how many kids you have... because one kid'll take up 100% of your time so more kids can't possibly take up more than 100% of your time. ~ Karen Brown

Miss One?

Did I miss one of your favorites? Tell me.

You will always be your child's favorite toy. ~ Vicki Lansky

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. ~ Chinese Proverb

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. ~ Erma Bombeck

Ma-ma does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Da-da first. ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

I don't know whether they should say "You have a baby" or "The baby has you". ~ Anonymous

Hilarious short quotes 2 {photo by Lance McCord}

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit. They hold the baby and I go out. ~ Anonymous

I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement. ~ Tina Fey

If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby ''it.'' ~ Jerome K. Jerome

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Funny Baby Advice

It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money. ~ Elinor Goulding Smith, author of The Complete Book of Absolutely Perfect Baby and Child Care, 1957

Hilarious short quotes 1 {photo by Jeff Marchant}

Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage. ~ Marcelene Cox

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. ~ John Wilmot

The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable. ~ Lane Olinghouse

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. ~ Bill Cosby

Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud "snort" noises.) I don't know why parents don't do this more often. Usually it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it quiets him down. If you're a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won't have his friends hanging around your house all the time. ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry. ~ Bill Cosby

The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed. ~ Anonymous

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Hilarious Short Quotes About Kids

We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies. We have not all been generals, or poets, or statesmen; but when the toast works down to the babies, we stand on common ground. ~ Mark Twain

Babies haven't any hair; Old men's heads are just as bare; between the cradle and the grave lie a haircut and a shave. ~ Samuel Hoffenstein

Babies are such a nice way to start people. ~ Don Herold

How could something so small create so much of something so disgusting? ~ Steve Guttenberg in Three Men and a Baby

The search for hilarious short quotes continues...

Now that these hilarious short quotes have caused you to wipe away tears, chuckle once or twice, or merely just smile, you've taken the first step in banishing the new parent grumps.

Keep an emergency ration of these hilarious short quotes available for quick jolts of humor when you need them most.

Or if you're in need of some stronger, more serious encouragement, go to quotes just for mom, or just for dad.

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